Personal Reflection from Pride Sunday 2024

 When I was asked to share my personal witness about why I joined the Affirm Council I must admit I felt a bit overwhelmed. It has been a journey. 

A number of years ago, pre-Covid, one of my children let us know that they were gay. I was surprised and I felt a number of emotions. Why did they wait so long to share this with us? How will they be treated moving forward? How would my extended family behave? I was worried.

After much thought, I came to the realization that what really matters is that my child is a unique human being and they deserve to be loved, respected and live their best life.
After a time, I was sad to learn that they felt the need to hide their true self throughout high school and did experience some bullying. I also became increasingly uncomfortable with the way the Queer community were treated by my previous church home. Queer people were allowed to attend the Church but they were not allowed have any significant other relationships. This is not acceptable. 

After I did some research, I learned that the United Church was a church that welcomed the LGBTQ+ community. I also learned about the Affirming process and what that entailed.
Soon after, I met Rev. Cindy. Her passion for welcoming the Queer community and creating a safe and respectful environment is what I believe all Churches should incorporate. This to me, reflects Christ’s teachings.

Earlier this year, I officially joined join KUC.  I needed to find my niche and contribute to the Church in some way. Since hearing what my child experienced and hearing about other LGBTQ+ issues in the news, I felt the need to be a part of positive change.  The Affirm Council seemed a good fit, it would provide a way for me be an agent of change and represent Christian values.

I will leave you with this verse from scripture:
1 John 4:7-8
7 Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves in born of God and knows God.
8 Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love.

And to quote Ru Paul:
If you can’t love yourself how in the world are you going to love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here?

Thank you.

Robert's Reflection on Our Journey

 

 

On June 13, Robert Ashton gave a reflection on our Affirm Discernment, in advance of the special congregational meeting. We are posting it here.

It is hard to imagine that some 40 months ago, Kanata United Church overwhelmingly supported an intentional educational discernment process to explore becoming an Affirming Ministry.  We’ve been through a lot. Our original journey was envisioned to last 24 months but when a pandemic gets in your way, you make adjustments. Reverend Cindy Casey, Kathy Beamish, Kate Chamberlain, Margaret McGarry, Muriel Richards and myself are your affirm leadership team that have put so much heart into our journey.  I am so very proud of this congregation in how they have embraced open conversation, topics that have stretched our understanding, being uncomfortable and growing. At the beginning we were pre-occupied with wondering why we were doing this and isn’t being welcoming enough? We explored gender identities, faced the reality that many beyond our walls search for safe spaces, we learned new vocabulary and I am hoping that most of you now know what LGBTQ2S means – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning and 2 spirited. We’ve shared many stories and experiences and heard numerous personal testimonials of how this affects so many both right here at KUC and beyond. We have received tremendous support from Council, committees, staff and many volunteers who have woven our affirming messages so intricately into so many facets of KUC. And yes sometimes it has been uncomfortable, we’ve laughed, listened, questioned and cried.  Over the past few weeks Cindy has led us through an evening three-part conversation on our past, present and future. Our youth during each session asked so many wonderful questions and provided such rich observations and points to consider – I have so much hope for our future.

Affirming Ministries Program is a network of United Church of Canada Communities of Faith, Regional Councils, educational centres, camps, and chaplaincies that declare themselves to be fully inclusive of people of all sexual orientations and gender identities. It asks each ministry to take the appropriate action and study and discern what it means to be publicly welcoming and fully inclusive. An Affirming Ministry goes beyond merely “welcoming” and opens our hearts and supports those whom the church has ignored, excluded or even condemned. Today, KUC will make a decision on whether to become such an Affirming Ministry.

As I stated earlier, we know KUC is already welcoming – this community of faith is awesome! Canada and Canadians are also welcoming and what abundance and privilege we enjoy in this vast land. We all know this. But then how in a country that is so welcoming, open, safe and the envy of the world, do we continue to struggle with reconciliation, islamophobia, homophobia and transphobia. In 2019 police reported 263 hate crimes targeting sexual orientation – some people will shrug and think that isn’t too many, but when I indicate to you that this is a 41% increase from 2018, does that get your attention? 1 hate crime is too much.  The reality as well is that the majority of hate crimes go unreported. This week in Mississauga, two teens were charged for removing and burning a pride flag. They further took a video and sent it to LGBTQ2S students of this high school – laughing and mocking – imagine the significant negative impact on the wellbeing of the youth in a school space that is meant to be safe, affirming and supportive receiving that video from their peers. Where does this hate come from? This same week, in Toronto a man and a friend were attacked by a group of people which started off by hurling homophobic insults and quickly turned violent – the one victim, who is gay, is hospitalized with a concussion and several broken bones. One of the perpetrators under investigation is CFL Ottawa Redblacks player Chris Larsen, aren’t our football players supposed to be role models? In a country as safe and accepting as Canada, in a city as diverse as Toronto, why are our communities not safe? Again, where does this hate come from? As the bible teaches us, aren’t we supposed to stand by those who are marginalized or threatened?   

 
In our public education spaces across Canada in some jurisdictions we have seen curtailing of advancements in curriculum as it relates to gender identity and sexual orientations. Politicians and special interest groups have embraced language that creates enabling environments where people are given “permission to hate” – this has been increasingly evidenced in the United States, Europe and here in Canada where political groups and segments of society are pitted against one another through very intentional disinformation and misinformation campaigns and the darkness of social media.

   
So we as a community of faith, what is our role in all of this? Is it enough to be just welcoming to everyone that walks through our doors? What do we owe our community around us? Is our focus for future generations simply good enough to be welcoming? The reality is that many conservative Christians have and continue to cause a great deal of suffering to those identifying with other sexual orientations by excluding and marginalizing them, promoting conversion therapy, boycotting gay-friendly corporations, banning marriage, damaging bonds between families and using their power and influence to claim to represent the bible and speak for God – they view affirming ministries as moral failures.

  
Now if Jesus were here today I wonder, what words of wisdom he would share. I like to think that Jesus didn’t always side with the bible and his teachings were sometimes at odds with the way. Jesus for certain hanged with the outcast and questioned authority, much to the dismay of the establishment. I for one would hope that he would put to rest that the bible verses of Leviticus and others used to condemn LGBTQ2S people today are taken out of context and that as many scholars now believe were translated and drafted on bias and rather instead relate to marital infidelity and rape – not the condemnation of homosexuality.  
Harvey Milk, stated that “If you are not personally free to be yourself in that most important of all human activities... the expression of love... then life itself loses its meaning”. 

  
There are many that dream of being part of a Christian community that is diverse, inclusive and a safe space that goes beyond welcoming. So by becoming Affirm, does it mean that KUC then becomes known as a gay church or that all of our programming will then be LGBTQ2S themed or that all members will have to attend the annual Ottawa pride parade – absolutely not. The wide variety of KUC programs, worship experiences, justice initiatives, outreach will all continue – there is room to incorporate affirming actions and we can make space for that too.  The motion and supporting motions that will be put towards you will allow the decision to be made, will KUC become an official Affirming Ministry or will we end our intentional educational discernment affirm journey. There are no do-overs or lets continue to explore and discuss. Today is the day. 

For some the choice is easy. For other, it may be a difficult decision and maybe you just don’t know. If you are struggling or conflicted or are unsure, I would ask you to think of your family, neighbours, future generations or just maybe, that slight possibility to imagine where KUC could be known as a safe space, where someone who is LGBTQ2S is struggling to find acceptance and love and where we as a community of faith can make life for that individual just a little bit easier – right here at Kanata United Church – a visible sign, like a rainbow of bright vibrant colours and as a sign that you are accepted, you are included, you are loved and you have a place right here. And lastly, I firmly believe, as Jesus experienced rejection and judgement, isn’t this what Jesus has called us to do and be. May the acceptance, inclusivity and openness of the spirit, Jesus and our creator shepherd us as we consider our ministry. Amen.     

Why am I On the Affirm Leadership Team? - Kathy Beamish

I have been a member of the United Church of Canada

since birth.  The most important lesson I have learned

from the United Church is the challenge to

Love God, Self and Neighbour.

When Robert Ashton called for people to form an Affirm team, I thought long and hard.  For all my life, good friends, close relatives and supportive coworkers, who identify as LGBTQ2, have been an important part of my life.  But I have always been a quiet companion.  I thought, Kathy, sometimes you need to step up, stand beside your friends and not be so quiet.  I realized now was the time! 

Being a member of Kanata United’s Affirm Leadership Team has and is the best and most worthwhile initiative I have been part of over my 66 years with the United Church of Canada! 

So why did I join?   I joined to

-    - learn how to be a more accepting person

-    - be a good ally to LGBTQ2 folk

-    - help build an accepting community

-    - be a member of an intentionally inclusive church

-    - enjoy and welcome all!

When I had the honor of walking with many United Church folk in the PRIDE parade this August, one church member had a sign that read

Love is Love is Love!

I believe God wants me to Love God, Self and Neighbour.  And Love is Love is Love!

Affirm - A Parents Perspective

Awhile ago, I was asked why I felt called to participate in the Affirm process. I realized that I had never been fully open about why I feel I must be involved.

I am a Mama Bear. I belong to a loosely organized group of Christian Mothers of LGBTQ+ children. We call ourselves Mama Bears because we want to protect our children from anyone who might hurt them.

I am the proud mother of the Vice President of Pride in his community. He has become a social justice warrior for the LGBTQ community in the Maritimes, working to fight conversion therapy and homelessness. He also really enjoys helping at the Safe Spaces teen dances, where he provides health care information and first aid as required.

For many mothers, their own first response to learning that their child is gay or transgender, is a belief their child will go to hell. Their church has told them that homosexuality is a sin. That gender is either male or female, and determined by God at birth, or before, and no one has the right to change that.  Many have to leave behind their friends and their church to find a place where they can protect their family.

I am lucky. When my son finally decided that he could “come out” to his parents, we were already in a place where, for our family, it was no big deal. We both knew gays and lesbians and we understood that this was the way people were born, not a lifestyle choice.

Unfortunately, the United Church was in the midst of debating whether we should sanctify same sex marriage. I had already lived through, and been shocked by some attitudes, during our struggles to confirm LGBT ordination. I feared that my family would be hurt by the words of those who still felt that sexual orientation was a life style choice.

I chose the coward’s route. I felt a strong need to protect my son and myself. So, I suggested that my sons, both members of this church, enter into the discussions, without making it personal. On the day of the vote, I managed to be out of town, at a meeting of a charity I was working for. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle it, and the family agreed that it was better if I wasn’t there.  We had agreed as a family that we would quietly leave Kanata United Church if the congregation chose not to sanctify same sex marriage.

You see, when you are the parent of a gay child, you often have no idea who you can tell without being hurt. You really don’t want to hear what other people think. You love your child and they are no different today then they were before they announced that they were gay. You fear that child will be bullied or worse, because of who they are. The last place you want to see them bullied is at church, in the name of Christianity. However, I wouldn’t want him to be anyone other than who he is.

When we talk about safe spaces, we are talking about safe spaces for everyone. Parents and grandparents, siblings and friends of the LGBTQ2+ need to feel they can talk about their family members openly.

I am older now. I am somewhat stronger now. I am a proud Mama Bear. I am the mother of two sons. I am the mother-in-law of their partners. I am Nana to a wonderful grandson, and to 6 furbabies. I love them all and want to protect them from the world.

In 2017, when there was an appeal for volunteers to guide the Affirm process, I felt called to stand up and say that this is what I want for my sons, their partners and especially for my grandson. I want my church to be an open, inclusive, affirming congregation. I want it to be a place where parents aren’t afraid to tell their church friends that their child is in a same sex relationship. Or that their child is a transgender person. I want every child to be celebrated for who they are, and Kanata United to be a safe space for all.

Reflection From Fawkes Conibear

This is the transcript from the wonderful reflection by Fawkes Conibear given at the March 24th service. Thank you, Fawkes, for allowing us to share it.

Introduction:
 
Hello, my name is Fawkes Conibear, I am a 28-year-old trans man and I use he/him pronouns. And, I am here to try and provide a perspective into the realities of the trans experience, and the needs of trans people, as it pertains to the church. While I have done my best to be true to the experiences of the broader trans community, I am only one person and won’t be able to address every topic.

Trans 101:
 
Before I get into the bulk of what I have to say I’m going to quickly define some terms. Starting with trans which is an umbrella term that covers many identities. In short, a “trans” person is anyone whose gender doesn’t align with gender they were raised as. This includes trans men and women, but also gender queer people who don’t fall into the gender binary. I, personally, was raised as a girl, transitioned as an adult, and now live as the man I am meant to be. The process of changing your gender is referred to as transitioning. Someone who has finished transitioning is said to have transitioned. Gender describes two different but related things. Gender identity refers to how someone feels in their head. While gender expression describes how someone lives their gender. This is the kind of gender we show other people. It’s our clothes, our hair style, our body language etc. While I could keep defining terms but this should give everyone enough of an understanding for the rest of what I have prepared and for welcoming trans people in your congregation.



Why am I here?
 
    So, why am I here today? The easy answer is because Cindy asked me to be here. The truth is I didn’t say yes right away. I wasn’t sure what I would talk about. Yes, being trans has had a huge impact on my life, but simultaneously, because it’s my everyday reality I don’t spend much time thinking about it. Most days I spend more time thinking about my glasses than I do about being trans. This made picking a focus difficult. What’s the point of travelling here and speaking if I don’t have anything to say? Anyone can get up and give a list of definitions. I could tell my coming out story, but that felt self-centered and wouldn’t add anything to the greater dialogue. While I’m not just an Easter and Christmas person, church isn’t a place I typically consider home, and I’m not currently an active member of any congregation. I didn’t know how to frame my experiences in a way that a congregation would be able to act upon them. Eventually it dawned on me. What is something that is important for church attendees and trans people alike: community.
One of the most difficult things about being trans is the sense of isolation it can often create. It can be difficult to find other trans people, and even more difficult to find trans people that share similar interests and hobbies. Despite the increasing amount of press, there aren’t really that many of us. Thus we find ourselves relying on online communities. These communities can be an excellent place to learn and commiserate. They’re a place we can finally be our unedited selves and feel free from judgement because these groups often have strict rules to protect members and will enforce bans on people who violate the rules. Friendships are formed in these groups but often they’re long distance. This leaves trans people vulnerable, especially for people who are early in their transition, still living at home, or are otherwise reliant on family.
There is a real fear that every trans person must face. Do I stay as I am now, and keep my family, or, do I transition and risk losing my family. Thankfully, things are changing, and more people are accepting, but you’d be hard pressed to find someone who transitioned as an adult that didn’t have to face this moment.  One of the most frightening things I’ve ever had to do was tell my parents I was trans. I did it in an email, because after months of procrastinating I couldn’t keep it hidden any longer. I had previously come out as gay, and knew they were accepting of that, but I had no idea what their views were on trans people. I knew family was important to them, but I also knew given their jobs as a police officer and former corrections nurse if they had knowingly encountered trans people, it would have been through the criminal justice system; which is probably the worst way to learn about anyone.
With time everything has worked out between myself and my family. There were some growing pains early on, but with a lot of love and patience on all sides I have a closer, more honest relationship with them than was ever possible before. I am glad for how things turned out, but I wouldn’t wish that fear and uncertainty on anyone. Yet, it’s a fear many trans people live with everyday. The internet is full of people asking for help because their parents don’t understand, or stories of people who no longer talk to their family. During her undergrad at the University of Ottawa my wife was briefly, and unexpectedly roommates with a trans man because he had gone home for the holidays, told his parents he was trans, and promptly kicked out of his home. It’s common advice to tell people to have a back-up plan if they still live at home when they start to transition. “Make sure you have a couch to crash on, just in case” is a phrase that shows up in most discussion with anyone who still lives at home. “Wait until you move out”, “You should probably find a job first, just in case”. In 2013, it was estimated that half of all street involved youth in Ottawa identified as LGBTQ. This isn’t a theoretical problem, and it’s not a problem that applies to other people, or other cities. This is a problem today, and it’s a problem in Ottawa.

What now?
 
These are awful, and depressing things. I know they are difficult to listen to but, hopefully amongst all the thoughts and emotions in the room right now there’s also something else: a call to action, a desire to do something. The next question is of course, but what. What can I do? What can we do? There are many answers to these questions, but I am going to focus on one: community. Be a place where trans people can be open. Be explicit in your openness. Don’t just imply that trans people are welcome, say it, show it,  live it. Anywhere you’ve added a pride flag, add a trans flag.  When you greet new people say your name and pronouns. Let people decide for themselves which washroom they want to use. 
Trans people so often find themselves without support systems and communities. These little things will mean so much to any new or visiting trans people. It gives us a place to turn when we feel like the world has forgotten about us. It lets us know that we’re not just allowed to be here but that we’re wanted here. It tells us that we are not alone.

Robert Ashton's Message -May 2018

Robert shared his very personal story with all of us in May 2018. It is reprinted here, for those who may have missed it.

^{1 Corinthians 12:12-13}

¹² For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For in the one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and we were all made to drink of one Spirit.

Robert's Message 

Paul writes to the Corinthian church which by all accounts seems to have many of the same problems today’s congregations have.  We are reminded of our commitment to Christ and that we are all valuable members of the body of Christ.  Yet Paul tells them that the body is made up of many individual parts and he equates the function of the many parts of our body to the many structures of the church – all needed to successfully operate.

Based on today’s scripture lesson, I’d like to imagine that if written today, perhaps it could also include: If the heart should say, “Because I am not straight, I do not belong to the body,” does that make it any less a part of the body?

I was born gay – the choice was NOT mine.

I was baptized Christian – the choice was MADE for me.

I am a loving homosexual Christian – this choice is PROUDLY mine.

I had a very typical upbringing and really never wanted for anything.  As a youth I was caring, confident, sociable and always sought out attention.  I enjoyed many church activities.  I don’t remember my baptism but was provided the opportunity through confirmation to study, question and make a public declaration.  It was celebrated and I remember that there was cake and gifts.

Moving to Ottawa to attend university and then secured employment with the federal government.  I fell in love, was married right here in KUC and this congregation has been a safe refuge.  And well the adventure of life continues on.  I’d like to say that this is the end of the story and the picture I have painted is a happy one – but let me be honest with you – it’s not so easy or so perfect – let me explain.

Being a gay Christian is very hard.  Recognizing that I am beyond privileged to live in Canada and be part of the United Church – I am blessed compared to others.  Reality is that many Christians have and continue to cause a great deal of suffering to those identifying with other sexual orientations by excluding and marginalizing them, banning marriage, damaging bonds between families and using their power and influence to claim to represent the bible and speak for God.  This is an overly generalized statement and does not apply to all Christians; however, more concerning is the larger group of Christians that are silent witness to this behavior.  So for Christians in today’s world – is it simply enough to love thy neighbor?

Look at the person sitting next to you.

That person is not the same as you. They don’t look or talk the same, they have their own story.  They are unique individuals; they are themselves, diverse gifts mirroring God.

We are all unique in our appearance, character, abilities and in so many other mysterious ways.  So is ones sexual orientation not part of this uniqueness?  Does the love, warmth and comfort you take in looking at the person next to you disappear if you discover that they are gay?  If you know they are struggling, do you offer a helping hand?  My friends, many gay Christians are suffering greatly and we need your help.  
In 2017, according to the United Nations, 72 countries continue to criminalize homosexuality and there are eight countries in which homosexuality can result in the death penalty.  Out of 195 countries in the world, there are only 26 that allow gays to adopt children and 22 that allow gay marriage.  The world for the most part isn’t a safe place.
  
Currently in the Republic of Chechnya there is a gay purge reminiscent of Nazi Germany – concentration camps.  Many gay Chechens attempting to flee only to be denied entry because there are only a select few countries that will allow refugee status based on sexual orientation.  Canada has welcomed over 30 Chechens.  Pressure from the international community has failed to stop one of the most homophobic regimes in their cleansing that has resulted in numerous dead.
 
I know what your thinking – Chechnya is far away and in the comforts of Canada we’ve done everything we simply can – after all, we enjoy charter rights, equal marriage, a yearly parade with nice rainbow flags and many TV shows and movies now feature non stereotype gay characters – after all, who doesn’t love Anderson Cooper or Ellen.

 However, in 2016 the most violent hate crimes in Canada targeted sexual orientation. There were 176 police-reported hate crimes based on sexual orientation which is a 10% increase from the previous year – so things aren’t getting better.

Right, Canada is a big country and out of 36 million people what are a few hate crimes.  So let’s bring this closer to home.  "He just wanted someone to love him. That's all. And what's wrong with that? Why do people have to be cruel to our children when all they want to do is be loved?" This was Ottawa councilor and Kanata resident Allan Hubley’s comment to CBC in 2011 on the suicide of his 15 year old son Jamie due to depression over bullying, his desperate desire for acceptance and despair over being the only openly gay student at AY Jackson.  From Jamie’s suicide note he pleaded "I'm tired of life, really. It's so hard, I'm sorry, I can't take it anymore. I don't want my parents to think this is their fault, either. I love my mom and dad. It's just too hard”.  The love and support of family and friends was not enough for Jamie – can you imagine his pain, suffering and hurt – simply because he was gay?

Many campaigns have been successfully launched to prevent suicide, bullying, promote diversity and inclusion, yet suicide rates are staggering: Canadian studies have found that LGBTQ2 youth attempt suicide more than 3 times more frequently and the risk of suicide is 14 times greater than their heterosexual counterparts.

Family support is also a key suicide risk factor.  Youth who experienced severe family rejection due to sexual orientation were more than 8 times more likely to report having attempted suicide compared with peers from families with little or no rejection. 
45% of transgendered people have attempted suicide.

Harvey Milk, stated that “If you are not personally free to be yourself in that most important of all human activities... the expression of love... then life itself loses its meaning”.  Imagine what our communities have lost by so many bright and dynamic individuals not comfortable with their sexual orientation, couldn’t find a safe refuge or supportive environment to realize their full potential.

Discovering that you are different from societal norms during teen years is difficult.  An entire range of emotions that ANY teen goes through is magnified and complicated for gay youth by not having readily available resources, people to speak with or trust or not knowing where the safe spaces are.  Simply left feeling alone and often marginalized – and social media has only made the situation for many worse.  My coming out story is relatively boring.  Difficult conversations, tears and challenges in explaining or educating and unlike my baptism or confirmation – no applause, no cake or no gifts.  BUT over time I have received unconditional love, support and help from many making it easy to be a confidant gay man – having not had this positive outcome, I could see myself being part of the very sad statistics I shared and possibly not being here today.  And while life is much easier for me today than for the gay pioneers before me – there is still much to be done and the need to remain ever vigilant.
    
I appreciate we’ve struggled and it’s been difficult to have open conversations over ordination of homosexuals and same sex marriage where we have lost members and friends – so very difficult and painful.
  
Returning to the scripture, Paul clearly illustrates that we do not have the same gifts, while we differ greatly, we are nonetheless ALL vital and important. The church, not the building, is an organism made of up of many parts, yet it is still a cohesive unit, functioning as one. 

KUC functions as one and is also made up of many parts – we are not all the same, and this is what is needed to support exploring an affirming ministry.  Affirming Ministries are congregations that publically declare their commitment to inclusion and justice for people of all sexual orientations and gender identities.  They continually grow and change as they seek to live more fully into God’s way of welcome, love, and justice for all creation.  They are safe spaces.

Kathy Beamish, Kate Chamberlain, Margaret McGarry and myself are your task force that will lead us through this process.  Each KUC committee has been asked to put forward ideas and thoughts in how they can support this work.  To make this a reality we need many hands, we need your help and support through a process of discernment and reflection – what does this mean?  Step forward, don’t remain in the shadows, volunteer, attend events, voice concerns, ask questions and push your committees and Council to make this a reality.  Become comfortable with all of our different parts.

To do as what Paul has suggested, when you are able to appreciate and recognize diversity and be open to inclusion, you begin to understand what the church is – you feel and exude love and have the same care for one another.

There are many that dream of being part of a Christian community that is diverse, inclusive and a safe space.  KUC needs to take extra steps to include and recognize members of different sexual orientations and gender identities as part of its body.  There are crying needs to be a safe space for all in our community.  I’ll end with this final thought – please help us do this important work and make life better for someone – you could be helping the person sitting next to you, your neighbour, child or grandchild or other family member or some future generation that could possibly include a Jamie Hubley or Robert Ashton or many unnamed others that only need to know that there is a safe space HERE at Kanata United.